got Jesus?

 
 

The Bible: He wrote it - we quote it! Why quote others?

Bees gather honey from a lot of flowers so speakers need to gather nectar from a lot of sources

If you haven’t struck oil in the first three minutes, stop boring – George Jessel

The man who never reads will never be read; he who never quotes will never be quoted. He who will not use the thoughts of other men’s brains, proves that he has no brains of his own – Charles Spurgeon

 

 

E-Clips . . . quotes gathered through
three decades of Kris’ reading and study

updated 1/1/15

S

SACRIFICE

A religion that gives nothing, costs nothing, and suffers nothing, is worth nothing - Martin Luther

I never made a sacrifice. We ought not to talk of sacrifice when we remember the great sacrifice which he made who left his Father’s throne on High to give himself for us - David Livingstone

For fire to fall and consume the sacrifice, it must be innocent and without blemish but, most of all, it must be on the altar to stay - Mario Murillo

Many will write a check now and then but would never think of placing themselves in the offering plate

Go for broke! Once Mary broke the alabaster ox she was officially broke. What is poured out cannot be recollected

There was a Roman coin that bore an image of an ox facing an altar in one direction and a plow in the other. The inscription read, “Ready for either”

SALVATION

If the repentant thief had been pardoned and taken down from the cross do you think he would have went back to his robberies?

Jesus died between two thieves. They are Legalism and License

Back in 1830 George Wilson was convicted of robbing the U.S. Mail and was sentenced to be hanged. President Andrew Jackson issued a pardon for Wilson, but he refused to accept it. The matter went to Chief Justice Marshall, who concluded that Wilson would have to be executed. "A pardon is a slip of paper," wrote Marshall, "the value of which is determined by the acceptance of the person to be pardoned. If it is refused, it is no pardon. George Wilson must be hanged." For some, the pardon comes too late. For others, the pardon is not accepted

In 1981, a Minnesota radio station reported a story about a stolen car in California. Police were staging an intense search for the vehicle and the driver, even to the point of placing announcements on local radio stations to contact the thief. On the front seat of the stolen car sat a box of crackers that, unknown to the thief, were laced with poison. The car owner had intended to use the crackers as rat bait. Now the police and the owner of the VW Bug were more interested in apprehending the thief to save his life than to recover the car. So often when we run from God, we feel it is to escape his punishment. But what we are actually doing is eluding His rescue

Exo 12:3-5/ A Lamb (vs 3) - A Savior (Luke 2:11), The Lamb (vs 4) - The Savior (John 4:42), Your Lamb (vs 5) - My Savior (Luke 1:47)

A woman was asked by a coworker, "What is it like to be a Christian?” The coworker replied, "It is like being a pumpkin." God picks you from the patch, brings you in, and washes all the dirt off of you. Then He cuts off the top and scoops out all the yucky stuff. He removes the seeds of doubt, hate, and greed. Then He carves you a new smiling face and puts His light inside of you to shine for all the world to see."

If we can’t be saved by our good works how can we be lost by our bad works? - Wiersbe

A headline in The Grand Rapids Press caught my attention: "Conversion to Hindu Faith Is Torturous." The article stated, "A West German businessman has completed his conversion to the Hindu faith by piercing himself through the cheeks with a one-quarter-inch thick, four-foot-long steel rod, and pulling a chariot for two miles by ropes attached to his back and chest by steel hooks…Others walk through twenty-foot-long pits of fire, don shoes with soles made of nails, or hang in the air spread-eagle from hooks embedded in their backs”

The door to a house avails nothing for entrance unless one enters…To be near is not to be inside. To be almost in but not in is to be altogether outside, even as to be almost saved is to be altogether damned. To be one step outside is to be just as much as to be a mile away from the door. Inside the house the fire burns, but you will not feel its cheering warmth until you are inside - RG Lee

The African guide said, “There is no way, I am the way”. We face jungles in life too with no charted course. Christ alone is the way. We don’t need a path, we need a Person

One critic said he had gone to many churches and heard the preacher say, "Don’t try to impress God with your works" or "Don’t attempt to please God with your merits" or "Don’t try to keep the rules and regulations and thus win your way." He looked around at nearly slumbering collections of utterly casual Christians and wondered, "Who’s trying?" - Martin Marty

Your spirit was saved, that’s justification. Your soul is being saved, that’s sanctification. Your body will be saved, that’s glorification

The sooner you come to Christ, the surer you are to come to Christ - R.A. Torrey

You need a new life? God accepts trade-ins - Ron Webb

The Father selects us, the Son saves us, the Spirit seals us - Adrian Rogers

If a person is saved they have only God to thank for it; if they are not saved they have only themselves to blame

No dictionary has ever been able to satisfactorily define the difference between "complete" and "finished." However, during a recent linguistic conference, held in London, England, and attended by some of the best linguists in the world, Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese linguist, was the presenter when he was asked to make that very distinction. The question put to him by a colleague in the erudite audience was this: “Some say there is no difference between ‘complete’ and 'finished'." Please explain the difference in a way that is easy to understand." Mr. Balgobin’s response: “When you marry the right woman, you are ‘complete.’ If you marry the wrong woman, you are ‘finished.’ And, if the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are ‘completely finished”

There is no handle on the outside of the door of the human heart - William Barclay

SANCTIFICATION

It took one day to get Israel out of Egypt but it took forty years to get Egypt out of Israel

Sheep are clean animals, preferring green pastures to garbage dumps

We go to the cross for life in regeneration but death in sanctification

SCIENCE

How often people speak of art and science as though they were two entirely different things, with no interconnection. An artist is emotional, they think, and uses only his intuition; he sees all at once and has no need of reason. A scientist is cold, they think, and uses only his reason; he argues carefully step by step, and needs no imagination. That is all wrong. The true artist is quite rational as well as imaginative and knows what he is doing; if he does not, his art suffers. The true scientist is quite imaginative as well as rational, and sometimes leaps to solutions where reason can follow only slowly; if he does not, his science suffers - Isaac Asimov

Every great advance in science has issued from a new audacity of imagination - John Dewey

Facts are not science - as the dictionary is not literature - Martin H. Fischer

Science is built up of facts, as a house is built of stones; but an accumulation of facts is no more a science than a heap of stones is a house - Henri Poincaré

The scientist is not a person who gives the right answers, he's one who asks the right questions - Claude Levi-Strauss

Science, like life, feeds on its own decay.  New facts burst old rules; then newly divined conceptions bind old and new together into a reconciling law - William James

Most institutions demand unqualified faith; but the institution of science makes skepticism a virtue - Robert K. Merton

The doubter is a true man of science; he doubts only himself and his interpretations, but he believes in science - Claude Bernard

Life preys upon life. This is biology's most fundamental fact - Martin H. Fischer

SECOND COMING

The Jehovah's Witnesses have changed their minds. After warning for decades that the world would end within this present generation, the leaders of the sect announced in December 1995 that they have softened their position. As a spokesman explained, "Jesus said that 'this generation will not pass away' until a number of signs have taken place (Mark 13:30). When we reflected on the scriptures, we decided that he was talking about his generation rather than ours." Ex-Witness James Fenton, professor emeritus at the University of Lethbridge in Alberta, Canada, is pleased by the change in doctrine. The Witnesses probably won't be knocking on our doors, he notes. The reason for their urgency no longer exists. Since the Jehovah's Witnesses have  officially declared that the world probably will not end tomorrow, they will have a harder time motivating their members to ring more doorbells and gather more followers - No Box Seats In The Kingdom, William G. Carter

There is a woman who is buried under a 150-year-old live oak trees in the cemetery of an Episcopal church in rural Louisiana. In accordance with this woman's instructions, only one word is carved on the tombstone: "Waiting" - Philip Yancey, The Jesus I Never Knew

When Joseph’s brothers entered Egypt the second time Joseph revealed himself to them. Jesus will reveal Himself the second time to Israel

Apart from the second coming of Christ, the world is more likely to sink into pandemonium than rise to a millennium - Charles Spurgeon

If you read history you will find that the Christians who did most for the present world were precisely those who thought most of the next. It is since Christians have largely ceased to think of the other world that they have become so ineffective in this - C. S. Lewis

SECURITY

If money is your hope for independence you will never have it. The only real security that a man can have in this world is a reserve of knowledge, experience, and ability - Henry Ford

We are saints positionally, saints practically and saints permanently

Christ’s salvation is eternal - He gates our past, garrisons our present and guarantees our future

God turned His back on His Son so He wouldn’t have to turn His back on us

Peter felt more secure standing with Jesus on the stormy water than he felt sitting with his friends in the boat

SEED FAITH

You can’t move to the next level of harvest till you move to the next level of seed

God gives you feed and He gives you seed. Feed is to eat - seed is to sow.

Nothing leaves heaven until something leaves earth

A seed of nothing produces a season of nothing - Mike Murdock

Seed is in your hand - harvest is in His hand

To see good things sow good things

When the seed leaves your hand it doesn’t leave your life - Mike Murdock

You can’t be fruitful if you’re not seedful - TD Jakes

If you don’t like your harvest change your seed - Mike Murdock

I shouldn’t judge today by the harvest I reap but by the seeds I plant

Erratic sowing brings an erratic harvest. Consecutive sowing brings a consecutive harvest - Mike Murdock

If farmers treated their seed as millions of church members today treat God’s “imperishable seed”, the world would starve to death - F.F. Bosworth

You are a walking warehouse of seed; you can trade it for whatever future you want - Mike Murdock

God’s heart is moved by my need but His hand is moved by my seed

SEEKING

We serve God because we know Him, we seek Him because we do not know Him

The same seeking it took to find Him is the seeking it will take to keep Him

Two me please God - who serves Him with all his heart because he knows Him; who seeks Him with all His heart because he knows Him not - Panin

SELF

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but going faster is a maniac? - George Carlin

Be yourself. Everyone else is already taken

Show-offs will be shown up and shown out

In 1960, Yuri Vlasov of the Soviet Union won gold in the Olympic weightlifting super heavyweight category. He was a favorite to win gold again for the 1964 Olympics, too. His only real competition would come from one of his own teammates, Leonid Zhabotinsky. In the first few rounds of the '64 Olympics, Vlasov stayed comfortably ahead of Zhabotinsky. He was confident of an easy win. Moments before the last round, Zhabotinsky even approached Vlasov and congratulated him on winning the competition. But moments later, Zhabotinsky turned in a stunning performance that beat out Vlasov's score. Zhabotinsky won the gold!  How did it happen? Yuri Vlasov, lulled by Zhabotinsky' flattery, had eased up on himself and lost his focus.  His overconfidence led to laziness. He had fallen right into Zhabotinsky's trap. Yuri Vlasov, disgusted by his own pride, threw his second-place medal out a window - David Wallechinsky, The Complete Book of the Olympics

Everyone listens to the radio station WII-FM - What’s In It For Me?

Has God forgotten all that I have done for him? - Louis XIV (1709)

Conceit is such an odd disease, it makes everyone sick accept the one who has it

The counterfeit trinity is me, myself, and I - Edwin Louis Cole

The last time I saw him he was walking down lover’s lane holding his own hand - Fred Allen

Swelling head - shrinking brain

Anything done in our own strength will fail miserably or succeed even more miserably - G.K. Chesterton

When leaders have influence people start to follow them; when they have respect people continue to follow them - John Maxwell

A chip on your shoulder can weigh a ton

An egotist is me-deep in conversation. An egotist is a self-made man who worships his creator. One good thing about an egotist, he usually never gossips about other people

Some people say they haven't yet found themselves. But the self is not something one finds; it is something one creates - Thomas Szasz

Many are shipwrecked on their personal I-lands. There is an I-land and a You-land

This dying to self is killing me!

Shyness has a strange element of narcissism, a belief that how we look, how we perform, is truly important to other people - Andres Dubus

Let me never fall into the vulgar mistake of dreaming that I am persecuted whenever I am contradicted - Emerson

When Christ calls a man, He bids Him come and die - Dietrich Boenhoffer in the Cost of Discipleship

I had a little party this afternoon at three,
‘Twas very small, just three in all, just I, myself and me,
Myself ate all the sandwiches, while I drank all the tea,
‘Twas also I that ate the pie and passed the cake to me

Top magazine of the ‘60s was Life, ‘70s was People and ‘80s was Self

Never make your appeal to a man’s better nature; he may not have one. Always make your appeal to his self-interest - Lazarus Longo

The dismal company whose lives knew neither praise nor infamy; who against God rebelled not nor to Him were faithful, but to self alone were true - Dante Alighieri

I live in my own little world. But its ok, they know me here - Lauren Myracle

Who is the real you? Some displace or misplace themselves and others replace themselves, trying to be someone else

He who is always his own counselor will often have a fool for his client

Admiration: our polite recognition of another man’s resemblance to ourselves - Ambrose Pierce

There's none so homely but loves a looking-glass

What millions died - that Caesar might be great! - Campbell

A man who is his own doctor has a fool for a patient

When a man tries himself, the verdict is always in his favor

SELF-CONTROL (self-discipline)

To stay out of hot water keep a cool head

You can’t control the contour of your face but you can control its expression. It’s better to raise your eyebrows than to raise the roof

No one should govern others that can’t govern himself

The emptier the pot, the quicker the boil

A woman in a supermarket needs to practice shelf control

There is an eagle in me that wants to soar, and there is a hippopotamus in me that wants to wallow in the mud - Carl Sandburg

If you haven't the strength to impose your own terms upon life, you must accept the terms it offers you - T.S. Eliot

Grand character is by its very nature to product of probationary discipline - Austin Phelps

Self-discipline is often disguised as short-term pain, which often leads to long-term gains. The mistake many of us make is the need and want for short-term gains (immediate gratification), which often leads to long-term pain - Charles F. Glassman

SELF-ESTEEM

Diana Ross's teacher at Cass Technical School was probably supremely surprised when the dreamy-eyed student she caught mooning over a newspaper made it big. What was Diana reading in study hall? Mary Constance demanded. Diana handed her an article from the Detroit News on a group called the "Primes." "You know I'm going to be a singer, don't you?" Diana told her. "I know these guys. And I sing on weekends myself." "I looked at her," Constance recalled, "and said to myself, 'Oh, you poor child. You'll never make it.' "Fortunately she kept her comments to herself. Others haven't 

You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with - DR. Wayne Dyer

Norman Vincent Peale stopped in tattoo shop in Hong Kong. Man was wearing “Born to lose”. Engraver said, “Before tattoo on the body, tattoo on the mind”

When a child gets five A’s and one B, do we applaud the A’s or focus on the one B?

Too many people overvalue what they are not and undervalue what they are - Malcolm Forbes

Treasure can be surrounded by trash and still not lose its value. Is a diamond less valuable if it’s found in a clogged drain? - TD Jakes

Psychiatrist said to the patient, “The whole world isn’t against you. There are millions who don’t care one way or the other”

In the country of Thailand is a statue of the Buddha that is ten feet tall and made of solid gold. Estimates of its worth range around $200 million. But for many centuries, no one knew this statue's worth. When the Burmese invaded Thailand many centuries ago, it is believed that the Thai villagers covered the Buddha statue with layers of mud so that the Burmese wouldn't steal it. It wasn't until 1957, when workers tried to move the statue to a new location, that the mud began to fall away and reveal the true nature of the statue. For centuries, no one had known its true value

The best advice I can give is to ignore advice. Life is too short to be distracted by the opinions of others

If it is to be, it is up to me - William Johnson

If you think you are beaten, you are; If you think that you dare not, you don't;
If you'd like to win and you think you can't It's almost certain that you won't.
If you think you'll lose, you've lost; For out in the world you'll find,
Success begins with a fellow’s will - It's all in the state of mind.
If you think that you are out-classed, you are; You've got to think high to rise;
You've got to be sure of yourself before You can ever win a prize.
Life's battles don't always go to the stronger or faster man,
But sooner or later the man who wins Is the man who thinks he can - Edgar Guest

Be fit for more than the thing you are now doing. Let every one know that you have a reserve in yourself; that you have more power than you are now using. If you are not too large for the place you occupy, you are too small for it - James A. Garfield

Respect for ourselves guides our morals; respect for others guides our manners - Laurence Sterne

A sinner that feels good about himself will out-produce a saint that doesn’t - Mike Murdock

Gallup did poll for Robert Schuller that showed only one in three Americans feel really good about themselves

Self-esteem is like having poker chips. The more chips one has the more he is willing to play and risk - Jack Canfield

People LIKE me - Lovable, Inviting, Kind, Enthusiastic

Peak performance, peek performance, pique performance

People’s #1 fear is public speaking. The #3 fear is fear of death. That would mean people would rather die than have to speak.

Mephibosheth saw himself as a dead dog so he sat on the floor like one. He was crippled more in his mind than in his legs. Invited to sit at the table he opts for the floor - TD Jakes

You are not what you think you are, but what you think - you are! - Norman Vincent Peale

Never build a case against yourself - Robert Rowbottom

In a novel, the author writes the conclusion; in a self-help book, the reader writes the conclusion

We have to learn to be our own best friends because we fall too easily into the trap of being our own worst enemies

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to - W.C. Fields

People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in their true beauty is revealed only if there is light from within - Elizabeth Kubler-Ross

Aerodynamically the bumblebee shouldn't be able to fly, but the bumblebee doesn't know that so it goes on flying anyway - Mary Kay Ash

It's hard to fight an enemy who has outposts in your head - Sally Kempton

The things we hate about ourselves aren't more real than things we like about ourselves - Ellen Goodman

Life marks us all down, so it's just as well that we start out by overpricing ourselves - Mignon McLaughlin

If you must love your neighbor as yourself, it is at least as fair to love yourself as your neighbor - Nicholas de Chamfort

God wisely designed the human body so that we can neither pat our own backs nor kick ourselves too easily

We probably wouldn't worry about what people think of us if we could know how seldom they do - Olin Miller

You're never as good as everyone tells you when you win, and you're never as bad as they say when you lose - Lou Holtz

Oliver Wendell Holmes once attended a meeting in which he was the shortest man present. "Dr. Holmes," quipped a friend, "I should think you'd feel rather small among us big fellows." "I do," retorted Holmes, "I feel like a dime among a lot of pennies”

The way you treat yourself sets the standard for others - Sonya Friedman

People travel to wonder at the height of mountains, at the huge waves of the sea, at the long courses of the rivers, at the vast compass of the ocean, at the circular motion of the stars; and they pass by themselves without wondering - St. Augustine

The person who walks in another’s tracks never leaves his own footprints - John Mason

What you picture in your mind, your mind will go to work to accomplish. When you change your picture, you automatically change your performance - Zig Ziglar

You train people how to treat you by how you treat yourself - Martin Rutte

Everyone has two persons living within them, a king and a fool. The one that is talked to is the one that grows - Mike Murdock

SELF-IMPROVEMENT

You are an un-do-it-yourself project

Lend yourself to others, but give yourself to yourself - Michel de Montaigne

Plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers - Veronica Shoffstall

It took me a long time not to judge myself through someone else's eyes - Sally Field

I am not a has-been.  I am a will be - Lauren Bacall

Thousands of geniuses live and die undiscovered - either by themselves or by others - Mark Twain

A successful person is one who can lay a firm foundation with the bricks that others throw at him or her - David Brinkley

It's not who you are that holds you back, it's who you think you're not

I am convinced all of humanity is born with more gifts than we know.  Most are born geniuses and just get de-geniused rapidly - Buckminster Fuller 

The door to self-improvement only opens from within - Burke Hedges

You are founder, president and 100% stockholder in your own company, You, Incorporated - Burke Hedges

Business owners need to go to work ON their business not IN their business - Burke Hedges

There are two kinds of people on the road of life, passengers and drivers

Life isn’t about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself - Novelist Mary McCarthy

SELF-PITY

Was it a bad day, or was it a bad five minutes that you milked all day?

Every time the devil would throw a pity party I would attend - Joyce Meyer

“I had a little party, this afternoon at three,
‘Twas very small, three guests in all, just I, myself and me.
Myself ate all the sandwiches, while I drank up the tea,
‘Twas also I who ate the pie, and passed the cake to me”

SERVICE/ SERVANTHOOD

God is as concerned about the servant as He is the service…He not only wants to do something through us, He wants to do something in us - Warren Wiersbe

Peter picked up a sword but was reluctant to embrace a towel - Tommy Tenney

Never worry about numbers. Help one person at a time, and always start with the person nearest you - Mother Teresa

Doing nothing, not only do you not gain, but you risk losing even the little that you have

Learn to empower instead of overpower - Tommy Tenney

People pray, “God use me, please use me”, then when they get involved at church they complain that they are “being used”

When you stop giving and offering something to the rest of the world, it’s time to turn out the lights - George Burns

Mechanic said to heart surgeon, “We both cut things open and replace faulty valves, why are you paid so much more than me?” Surgeon answered, “Try doing it while it’s running”

The true measure of a man is not the number of servants he has, but the number of people he serves - Arnold Glasgow

The body is not made for sin, it’s made for service

Military personnel are “in the service”. Is it possible to be military if you wear army clothes, have a gun and go to the war then just sit and watch?

One hundred years from now it will not matter what kind of car I drove, what kind of house I lived in, how much money I had in my bank account, or what my clothes looked like. But one hundred years from now the world may be a little better because I was important in the life of a child

If we work upon marble, it will perish; if we rear temples, they will crumble to dust. But if we work on men’s immortal minds, if we impress on them high principles, the just fear of God, and love for their fellowmen, we engrave on those tablets something which no time can efface and which will brighten and brighten to all eternity - Daniel Webster

Some have great talents but lousy attitudes so God can’t promote them. They are loiterers (sitting in the lobby during preaching), and litterers (making messes of relationships), instead of leaders. If you can’t put a towel on your waist, He can’t put a crown on your head!

When you were born, you cried and the world rejoiced. Live in such a way that when you die, the world will cry and you will rejoice! - Middle-eastern proverb

Wouldn’t you love to have held Columbus’ telescope, shined Washington’s boots, washed Michelangelo’s paint brush, held Wesley’s coat, turned pages for Handel? We have privilege of serving a cup of cold water for Jesus

We can lose the wonder of it during the work of it

SEXES

Man asked the saleswoman - “Could you tell me where to find the book ‘Man, the Superior Sex’?” “Sure, it’s upstairs in the science fiction department”, she replied.

Look!" she said. "I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in just a few seconds. Nothing else will do. My birthday is coming up so surprise me!" Joe did just that. For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale

The naked woman’s body is a portion of eternity too great for the eye of man - William Blake

People are loose with their souls before they are loose with their bodies - Keith Moore

Someone mixed up - “If you want safe sex try monotony” (meant monogamy)

A minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning. He said "Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach. Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn that comes to your mind. The pastor shouted out "CROSS." Immediately the congregation started singing in unison, "THE OLD RUGGED CROSS." The pastor hollered out "GRACE". The congregation began to sing "AMAZING GRACE, how sweet the sound." The pastor said "POWER". The congregation sang "THERE IS POWER IN THE BLOOD." The Pastor said "SEX". The congregation fell into total silence. Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other afraid to say anything. Then all of a sudden, way from in the back of the church, a little old 87 year old grandmother stood up and began to sing "PRECIOUS MEMORIES."

SON: Daddy, how was I born? DAD: Ah, well, my son, one day you will need to find out anyway!  Mom and Dad got together in a chat room on MSN. Dad set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a cyber cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, and then your mother downloaded from dad's memory stick. As soon as dad was ready for an upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall. Since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later the blessed little virus appeared

Son asked his father what the two steel walls were that divided and came back together again in a big city hotel lobby. Dad didn’t know, so they watched a little longer as an old lady in a wheelchair went through those doors (elevator). They closed, an arrow went up then back down, and out popped a twenty year-old beauty. Dad said, “Son, run and get your Mama!”

A man died and the preacher asked his young son if his father had any special last words. The boy said, “No, Pa didn’t have no last words. Ma was with him clear up to the end”

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!" The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife" The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home." The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home." Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, She wiped the sweat from her brow. "This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."

Sex was not made for lusting and getting; it was made for loving and giving - Ed Cole

A man and his wife were sitting in the living room and he said to her:  "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle." He continues..."If that ever happens, just pull the plug." His wife dutifully got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of his beer.

Nancy Astor…shouted, "If I were your wife I would put poison in your coffee!" Whereupon Winston Churchill with equal heat and sincerity answered, "And if I were your husband I would drink it"

[Braddock:] Mr. Churchill, you are drunk
[Churchill:] And you madam, are ugly. But I shall be sober tomorrow

Bachelor: someone who sees all women as sequels

The same passions in man and woman nonetheless differ in tempo; hence man and woman do not cease misunderstanding one another - Friedrich Nietzsche

Let men tremble to win the hand of woman, unless they win along with it the utmost passion of her heart! Else it may be their miserable fortune, when some mightier touch than their own may have awakened all her sensibilities, to be reproached even for the calm content, the marble image of happiness, which they will have imposed upon her as the warm reality - Nathaniel Hawthorne

Stages of adult sex-life: Tri-weekly, try weekly, try weakly

Man in a bar asked the young lady, “What would I have to give you to get a little kiss?” She answered, “Chloroform”

A few Nashville song titles - “How can I miss you if you never go away?”, “If the phone doesn’t ring, you’ll know it’s me”, “If I’d killed her when I first met her, I’d be out of jail by now”, “If you don’t leave me alone I’ll find someone who will”, “It’s so miserable being without you, it’s almost like having you here”, “Sorry I made you cry but at least your face is cleaner”, “Take me out to the cornfield honey, I’ll kiss ya between the ears”, “If my nose was running money, I’d blow it all on you” - Aaron Wilburn

My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she objects - Les Dawson

When women hold off from marrying men, we call it independence. When men hold off from marrying women, we call it fear of commitment - Warren Farrell

Man has his will - but woman has her way - O.W. Holmes

SILENCE

Silence is one of the hardest arguments to refute - Josh Billings

The best way to keep one's word is not to give it - Napoleon  

SIMPLICITY

Live simply that others may simply live

Too many of us metaphysicians don’t know how to tangibilitate - Father Divine

Benjamin Disraeli described William Gladstone, "a sophistical rhetorician inebriated with the exuberance of his own verbosity"

The Lord’s Prayer- 66 words, 10 Commandments - 179 words, Gettysburg Address - 286 words, Declaration of Independence - 1300 words, US Government regulation on sale of cabbage - 26,311 words

All English literature is composed of only 26 letters. All music is composed of 12 notes. All colors from only 3 primary colors.

If you have all the numbers in a combination except one you won’t enter the safe

Our life is frittered away by detail . . . simplify, simplify - Henry David Thorreau

One Jewish believer said - it all started in Israel with a simple relationship with Jesus. Rome got hold of it and it became political. Europe got a hold of it and it became ceremonial. America got hold of it and it became big business. Oh, to bring it back to Israel and become simple again

The discovery of God lies in the daily and the ordinary, not in the spectacular and the heroic. If we cannot find God in the routines of home and shop, then we will not find Him at all - Richard J. Foster

He does most in God’s great world who does his best in his own little world - Thomas Jefferson

He is invited to do great things who receives small things greatly - Cassiodorus

I remember when shampoo just cleaned hair. But none of the shampoos in the shower were satisfied with simple cleaning. They wanted to change my life. One shampoo promised to "amplify" my hair. I didn't want big hair, just clean. Another assured me it could "correct and restructure" my hair. I like my hair. I don't claim it is the best in the world, but does it need to be corrected? My grandpa was bald in high school, so since I am nearly 47 and still have hair which is only partially gray, I feel I am ahead of the game. Restructuring seems extreme. Another shampoo would "clarify" my hair. But isn't clear hair about the same as bald? What is an old-fashioned old-fogy supposed to do? My hair is clean now; volumized, amplified, corrected, restructured, and clarified! Only in America does someone need a doctorate to understand shampoo. I long for the days of "lather, rinse, repeat” - Pastor David Miller

We never become so literary that we do not need the alphabet. We never become such music masters that we get away from the scale. It is possible to become so involved in spiritual mathematics that we forget simple arithmetic - Vance Havner

While scholars write wordy volumes that few people read, the prophet says it in one colorful paragraph - Vance Havner

I saw a bird-watcher lugging three cameras, two pairs of binoculars, and several books. He couldn’t watch the birds for keeping up with his bird-watching equipment - Vance Havner

SIN

When the prodigal ended up getting all he wanted he didn’t want all he got

All the darkness in the world can’t defeat a lightning bug - Kenneth Copeland

There must be a Hell. If there isn't where would these low down scoundrels who force motherhood upon a woman and then haven't the manhood to accept fatherhood go? - Billy Sunday

Men are not punished for their sins but by them - Ken Hubbard

Sin breaking out into sins, is the mark of the sinful and fallen nature – Hamilton

Sin is generic but sins are specific. Sin is character but sins are in conduct. Sin is the center but sins are the circumference. Sin is the root but sins are the fruit. Sin is the fountain but sins are the flow - RG Lee

Sin is source, sins are the secretion. Sin is the smoldering volcano, sins are the burning sulfurs, Sin is the hive, sins are the deadly hornets. Sin is the sire, sins are the sons. Sin is what we are, sins is what we have done. Sin is the fact, sins are the act - RG Lee

This vicious cycle leads to a desire to go even deeper into sin. If you paint the town red tonight, you have to have a bigger bucket and a bigger brush for tomorrow night - J. Vernon McGee

Only one thing all of us have in common. We’re not equal in skin color, bank balance, education etc. but we are equal in that we have all sinned

Someone says, “I couldn’t help myself. She makes me so mad I can’t help but slap her”. Oh? If four football linemen said the same words or acted the same way to you, would you be able to help yourself in their presence, or would you slap them? See, you can practice self-control - Keith Moore

Heard of the Irani who sent a letter bomb out with insufficient postage. It came back and blew his own place up. Sin pays similar wages

God looks on sin as you would look on a rattlesnake if you found it coiled in your baby’s bed…God looks on sin as you would look on a buzzard in your dining room - RG Lee

Between the saint and the sinner is the open grave, and the sinner is on this side facing it, and the saint is on the resurrection side, leaving it behind, having conquered it - RG Lee

It is the one great security against sin to be shocked at it - Cardinal Newman

In diving to the depths of the sea of pleasure you bring up a lot more gravel than pearls

If sin is our worst enemy, it is easy to prove that He who saves us from it is our best friend - RG Lee

Sin is wickedness, which means to be twisted or warped. Wicker furniture comes from that word “wicked”, it is all twisted and curled

Secret sin on earth is open scandal in heaven - Neil Anderson

Playing with rattlesnakes, high voltage wires, fire, the edge of the cliff, none are as bad as playing with sin. These bear only temporary results, sin eternal results

The essential nature of sin is my claim to my right over myself - Oswald Chambers

The dumb-ination, domination and damnation of sin

Oh, how horrible our sins look when they are committed by someone else - Chuck Smith

Sin is like an onion. The outer crust is hard and dry. Peel back the outer wrapping of self-righteousness and what you find inside will make you cry

We wouldn’t touch some people with a ten foot pole but Jesus died for them on a ten foot pole

The spurious convert uses grace just like a fornicator uses a contraceptive pill

Sin is a debt - grace is a payment. Sin is a stain - grace is a detergent. Sin is a poison - grace is an antidote. Sin is a disease - grace is a medicine. Sin is a desert - grace is a rainstorm. Sin is a blot - grace is an eraser. Sin is a plague - grace is a vaccine. Sin is a burden - grace is a leverage. Sin is a darkness - grace is a great light. Sin is a cancer - grace is a surgeon. Sin is a bacteria - grace is a germicide. Sin is a weed - grace is an herbicide. Sin is a filth - grace is a soap. Sin is a death - grace is a resurrection - RG Lee

People who do things for kicks get kickbacks

Sin in the Old Testament was against Jehovah God, sin in the New Testament was against the Son of God, sin in the modern church is against the Spirit of God

Sin with hellish alchemy changes homes into hells, fathers into fiends, mothers into monsters, brothers into brutes and sisters into seductresses - R.G. Lee

The sweetest fruit spoils the fastest, likewise with forbidden fruit

Are our noses more sensitive than Christ’s? Sin stinks in the nostrils of God, but Christ looked beyond Lazarus’ stench and saved him from the grip of death - R.G. Lee

Sin will take you farther than you want to go, cost you more than you want to pay and keep you longer than you want to stay

There are sins of commission, omission and disposition

A poisonous snake in a child’s crib would bring a violent reaction from a parent - Jack Hayford

Our Lord judges us in what we put up with as much as in what we actively practice - Vance Havner

If God is kept on the outside, something is wrong on the inside - John Mason

[God] preferred to see His Son die rather than that sin should reign…[Jesus] preferred to die rather than that man should be held in its power - Andrew Murray

Whatever weakens your reason, impairs the tenderness of your conscience, obscures your sense of God, or removes your relish for spiritual things, that is sin to you - Susanna Wesley

The joys of sin are so short and so unsatisfactory, that they can never be thought of for a moment as a fitting inducement for a rational being to lose his immortal soul. Will a few hours' foolery, gambling, drinking, or wantoning, compensate for eternal fire? Is the momentary indulgence of a base passion worth the endurance of flames which never can be quenched? To moan in vain for a drop of water! to be tormented by the never dying worm! to be shut out from hope for ever! to be eternally cursed of God! Is any sin worth all this? Can any gain make up for this? O ye who delight in the poisonous sweets of sin, remember that though pleasant in the mouth for the moment, sin will be as wormwood and gall in your bowels for ever. Why will ye swallow the bait when you know that the hook is there? - Charles Spurgeon

The penalty of sin is to be left in sin - Charles Spurgeon

If a man's basic nature was good, he would have to strive to be evil.  Instead, man's fundamental orientation is evil.  That is why he must strive and discipline himself to do good things - Ramesh Richard

When you are through with sin, sin is not necessarily through with you

Sin is essentially a departure from God - Martin Luther

The wages of sin is a check from an editor - Leonard Ravenhill

SINGING

I was once invited to sing at a deaf service

Occasionally I get requested to sing “on a hill far away”

One guy claimed to be a ‘prison singer” - he was always behind a few bars and never able to find the right key

There is joy in the presence of the angels of God over one singer that repents

I don't believe in singing lessons. You can sing or you can't - Harry Dean Stanton

A bird doesn't sing because it has an answer, it sings because it has a song - Maya Angelou

You can cage the singer but not the song - Harry Belafonte

I don't sing because I'm happy; I'm happy because I sing - William James

God respects me when I work; but God loves me when I sing - Rabindranath Tagore

The total person sings not just the vocal chords - Esther Broner

Gypsy Smith told the singing instructors that he didn’t want to sing from his diaphragm, he wanted to sing from his heart

Everyone should sing; not everyone should record - Keith Moore

SMILE

Live your life with style and a smile

When you meet a man without a smile, give him one of yours

A Smile can add a lot to one’s face value

A Smile is the lighting system of the face and heating system of the heart

A smile is a light in the window of your face that lets the world know that your heart is home

You’re never fully dressed without a smile

All people smile in the same language

A smile is a curved line that sets things straight

The single most effective thing you can do to influence others is to smile at them. A smile is the most powerful social tool we have available to us

Laugh and the world laughs with you - cry and you only get wet!

It takes 43 muscles to frown but only 17 to smile, so save yourself some energy and smile awhile

Someone said that if I smiled it would be fake. That’s all right, folks would rather see a fake smile than a sincere frown any day

It’s tragic when someone’s so religious that he has to consult the rulebook to see if it’s all right to smile

I’m not a grouch - I’ve just been in a bad mood for the last forty years!

The thing that goes the farthest in making life worthwhile,
It’s worth the most and costs the least, is just a pleasant smile,
It’s full of worth and goodness too, with heavenly kindness sent,
It’s worth a million dollars but it doesn’t cost a cent - Robert Larson

The world is like a mirror, frown at it and it frowns at you. Smile and it smiles too – Herbert Samuel

SMOKING

Brooke Shields said, “Smoking kills. If you’re killed you lose a very important part of your life”

Fire on one end. Fool on the other

Why doesn’t God take these cigarettes from me? ‘cause He doesn’t smoke!

The cigarette does the smoking; you do the sucking. So you’re not a smoker but rather a sucker

SOCIETY

America today is like an elephant hanging from a thousand-foot cliff with its tail tied to a daisy

Modern society is anti-faith, anti-family and anti-freedom

We have too many men of science and not enough men of God. We live in an age of nuclear giants and spiritual pigmies - Gen. Omar Bradley

What do you get when you cross a skunk with a bald eagle? I don’t know but it stinks to the high heaven - Cecil Todd

The world is more likely to sink into pandemonium than to rise into millennium - Spurgeon

When authority goes out anarchy comes in

It takes two to make a criminal, an individual and a society

SOUL WINNING

Do you remember the Mercedes TV commercial a few years ago that showed a Mercedes crashing into a concrete wall during a safety test? An engineer in a white lab coat walks over after the crash and kneels down to examine the damage, which is minimal. A reporter then asks the engineer about Mercedes' energy absorbing car body. After the engineer tells all about the unique design the reporter asks him why Mercedes doesn't enforce their patent on the design, a design evidently copied by several other companies because of its success. The engineer then replies matter-of-factly, "Because some things in life are too important not to share." How true this is. There are many things in life that fall into this "too important not to share" category. Advances in science, in medicine, in technology. But all of these pale in importance to that of sharing our faith.

A redneck goes to his own family reunion to find a date. Is it any different when we go to the church to find someone to win to Christ?

Paul wasn’t concerned about saving the ship. He was concerned about saving the passengers

We are to be running a life-boat not a show-boat, a battleship not a pleasure cruise

Here’s the real S&L Crisis - Saving the Lost!

We’re not called to deliver sermons but to deliver souls

God saves from the uttermost to the gutter-most

God saves from Saint Paul to Ru Paul

The 1994 Barna Research Report showed that 75% of Christians couldn’t define the Great Commission and that only 1% had witnessed to someone recently

The Great Commission has become the Great Omission for most believers today

Let me give you four reasons why we don’t witness effectively - 1) Lack of Conviction, 2) Lack of Courage, 3) Lack of Consecration, 4) Lack of Consistency

More important than daylight saving time is soul-saving time

We must always keep our eyes on people. It is so easy to build churches but forget about members, build hospitals but forget about patients, build schools but forget about students, bild governments but forget about citizens, build houses but forget about children and build denominations but forget about people

Have you seen the bumper sticker that says, “friends don’t let friends die drunk?” I saw one the other day that said, “friends don’t let friends die without Jesus”

The man not concerned for his neighbor’s soul needs to be concerned for his own soul

The shipwrecked of life are crying S.O.S. - that’s Save Our Souls!

If your billfold or credit cards were lost you wouldn’t be able to sleep. Why is it that we can sleep so well when we know that our neighbors or our kids are lost?

The average Christian has heard 6,000 sermons, 12,000 prayers and 20,000 hymns, but the average Christian has led 0 people to Christ - Jerry Haynes

The church needs to do some asphalt angling - Jerry Haynes

Jesus said to enter into the closet but He didn’t say to stay there - Jerry Haynes

2 million go to Hell every week in our world. That’s something like 130,000 more every 24 hours

We need to intercede then we need to interact

The soul-winner must see people as prospects not as suspects

There is no such thing as the “invisible” church - we must be visible to be viable. Many belong to this so-called invisible church - they are invisible on Sunday morning, most Sunday nights, all Wednesdays. They are invisible on work-day, soul-winning nights, revivals, on and on

The most important thought that ever entered my mind is of my personal accountability to God - Daniel Webster

No one ever remorsed on his deathbed, “I wish I would have spent more time at the office”, but many do remorse, “I wish I would have spent more time with my family, with my God, or in winning others to Christ”

SPIRITUALITY

We're not just human beings having a temporary spiritual experience.  But we're spiritual beings having a temporary human experience - Teilhard de Chardin, French Priest

Spirit is breath. But rote performance is an iron lung, methodical, dependable, making the right motions, but lifeless - Jack Hayford

We are not the body. We are not the mind. We are the ones who have mind and body - Deepak Chopra

STRIFE

Get strife out of your life!

Strife is the manifest presence of Satan - Keith Moore

Strife is evidence that division is at work. Peace is evidence that love is at work – Keith Moore

It’s not about who’s right; it’s about what’s right!

When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the fire department normally uses water

Don’t argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience

STRUGGLE

Struggle is the proof that you have not yet been conquered - Mike Murdock

Stop eating and you die physically, stop learning and you die intellectually, stop praying and you die spiritually, stop struggling and you die emotionally

SUCCESS

You don’t have to lay awake nights to succeed, just stay awake days

Good barbers have climbed the lather of success

A true measure of a man’s worth includes all the benefits others have gained from your success - Cullen Hightower

Success is choosing to enter the arena of action, determined to give yourself to that cause which will better mankind and last for eternity - John Maxwell

In the world “self demands life, whereas according to the Christian definition of success, life demands of self” - John Maxwell

In other words, to be all I can be I need to help you be all you can be - John Maxwell

Someday I hope to enjoy enough of what the world calls success so that somebody will ask me, "What’s the secret of it?" I shall say simply this: "I get up when I fall down - Paul Harvey

It takes twenty years to make an overnight success

Be awful nice to ‘em going up, because you’re going to meet them coming down - Jimmy Durante

We need to prepare for survival, success and succession

Princeton president said to be careful how you treat you’re a and B students because they will come back to be your professors. And be specially careful how you treat your C and D students because they will come back to give $2 million towards a science lab!

You don’t need everyone to like you, just the right one, that can make a difference for your future

If at first you don’t succeed, you’re running about average. If at first you don’t succeed, don’t try skydiving anymore

Success is simply a matter of luck. Ask any failure - Earl Wilson

You can’t climb the ladder of success with your hands in your pockets

In spite of what some “success preachers” say, God’s goal for our lives is not money but maturity, not happiness but holiness, not getting but giving - Warren Wiersbe

Ask not what the world needs; ask rather what makes your heart sing and go do that. For what the world needs is people with hearts that sing - Phillip Batcher

You can best get to the top by getting to the bottom of things - Zig Ziglar

Success is not the key to happiness. Happiness is the key to success. If you love what you are doing, you will be successful - Albert Schweitzer

Success is not the result of spontaneous combustion, you must set yourself on fire first - Reggie Leach

The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking places

The road to success is uphill, so don’t expect to set any speed records

“I did it!” inspires “I can do it!” Nothing breeds success like success

Success is an unselfish goal, while failure is a selfish goal. It is impossible to succeed without helping a bunch of people along the way. The secret of success is simple: find a hurt and heal it, find a problem and solve it, find an obstacle and remove it, bridge it, or turn it into an opportunity - Robert Schuller

Success is the “progressive realization of a predetermined, worthwhile goal”

It’s lonely at the top, but then, it’s lonely at the bottom too

One guy said, “I’m never down, I’m either up or getting up”.

The only true measure of success is the ratio between what we might have done and what we might have been on the one hand, and the thing we have made and the thing we have made of ourselves on the other - HG Wells

An eagle does not roost in a sparrow’s nest - Joseph Parker

Success is a satisfying movement toward worthwhile goals that God has scheduled for your life. The smallest step in the right direction creates joy - Mike Murdock

Ethyl Waters, dynamic Gospel singer seen on Billy Graham Crusades, was born of a mother raped by a white man when she was twelve. She became a star in vaudeville, acting and singing, in the ‘50s. When asked how she reached such fame, she answered - “God don’t sponsor no flops!”

Followers see the hard work of climbing the mountain of success, leaders see the success of climbing the mountain of hard work - John Maxwell

Our successes should be building blocks to build on, not pedestals to rest on

The road to success is always under construction - John Mason

Success is dangerous. One begins to copy oneself, and to copy oneself is more dangerous than to copy others. It leads to sterility - Pablo Picasso

There are no overnight successes but there are a lot of up all night successes - Rush Limbaugh

When it comes to success you’re better off hopping for it than hoping for it - John Maxwell

Success is the power with which to acquire whatever one demands out of life without violating the rights of others - Andrew Carnegie

SUFFERING

It’s one thing to stand on the bank and give it. It’s another to sit in jail and take it. John did both.

When I’m in the cellar of affliction, I look for the choicest of the Lord’s wine - Samuel Rutherford

Turn your scars into stars - Robert Schuller

If the wrong question is “Why do bad things happen to good people?” then what is the right question? It is “What happens to good people when bad things happen to them?” - Robert Schuller

The cross is a minus turned into a plus - Robert Schuller

Cripple a man and you have Sir Walter Scott, lock him in prison and you have John Bunyan, bury him in the snows of Valley Forge and you have George Washington, raise him in poverty and you have Abe Lincoln, strike him down with polio and you have FDR, deafen him and you have Ludwig Von Beethoven, call him a retard and uneducable and you have Albert Einstein

Before you leave this place life will have made your heart hard, very soft or broken. No one escapes

The most extraordinary thing about the oyster is this, irritations get into the shell... And when he cannot get rid of them, he uses the irritations to do the loveliest thing an oyster ever has the chance to do. If there are irritations in our lives today, there is only one prescription: make a pearl - Henry Emerson Fosdick

Let no man pray that he know not sorrow,
Let no soul ask to be free from pain,
For the gall of to-day is the sweet of to-morrow,
And the moment's loss is the lifetime's gain... - Ella Wheeler Wilcox

There is no will or act of creatures, men, angels or demons that can do other than work for our good. No dog can bark against us, no man can act or speak against us…But all must be for our good…The law of gravity cannot make anything fall on us, unless it has been sifted through the will of God and His purpose for our good - Donald Grey Barnhouse

There are painters who transform the sun to a yellow spot, but there are others who with the help of their art and their intelligence, transform a yellow spot into the sun - Pablo Picasso

All sunshine makes a desert - Arab proverb

Where a man’s wound is, that is where his genius will be - Bly

The iron crown of suffering precedes the gold crown of glory

Oh what I owe to the furnace, the file and the hammer of my Lord Jesus! - Samuel Rutherford

In Gethsemane the cross weighed more on His heart than it did the next day on His shoulders

My barn having burned to the ground, I can now see the moon - Japanese poet Masahide

You may never know that JESUS is all you need, until JESUS is all you have - Corrie Ten Boom

If thou art willing to suffer no adversity, how wilt thou be the friend of Christ? - Thomas à Kempis

God will not look you over for medals, degrees, or diplomas, but for scars - Elbert Hubbard

It is better to suffer wrong than to do it, and happier to be sometimes cheated than not to trust - Samuel Johnson

The deeper that sorrow carves into your being the more joy you can contain. Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter's oven? - Kahlil Gibran

You need a buffer when you suffer. You need to snuggle when you struggle - Louis Greenup

You can’t heal what you don’t feel. Your misery becomes your ministry - Louis Greenup

Instead of asking, “How can I get even?”, ask, “How can I get better?”

Robert Schuller asks three questions concerning human hurts - 1) how heavy is my hurt, 2) how hardy is my hurt, 3) how healthy is my hurt? Can health or good come out of it?

I’d rather be in this wheelchair with God than on my feet without Him. In heaven I look forward to folding up my wheelchair, handing it to Jesus, and saying straight from the heart, “Thanks, I needed that” - Joni Earkeckson Tada

Just remember, if the world didn’t suck we would fall off it

Every silver lining has a cloud - Mary Kay Ash

The shell must break before the bird can fly - Tennyson

God will turn your pain into power and your wounds into wisdom

SUICIDE

Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem - Phil Donahue

SUPERSTITION

Past disasters linked to the number 13 hardly help triskaidekaphobics overcome their affliction. The most famous is the Apollo 13 mission, launched on April 11, 1970 (the sum of 4, 11 and 70 equals 85 - which when added together comes to 13), from Pad 39 (three times 13) at 13:13 local time, and struck by an explosion on April 13

Depend on the rabbit's foot if you will, but remember it didn't work for the rabbit

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